Letter to my past

Randomly listening to: Chasing Pavements by Adele


Dear you,

This is the last time I will write to you. It has taken a while to sink in but I finally have understood that you are not coming back for me, ever. This is not a break. This is not a breather. You didn't stop talking to me to save our relationship. You stopped talking to me because you genuinely don't give a damn anymore. And you will never care again.


I guess there is a part of me that will always wonder what I could have done that was so wrong for you to stop loving me completely, but I've stopped blaming myself. I may have done things I shouldn't have, I'm not perfect, but I stuck around to fix it. Always. The thought of surrendering never even entered my mind. It was never a possibility for me. I would have never given up on you.


You probably think that I'm mad at you and I must confess, I was. I felt betrayed, I felt abandoned. You were my best friend, the person I talked to the most, and losing that...Is not easy. I couldn't understand. I was hurt. 


But I'm not anymore. I've come to terms with it. 


I know that the person who loved me doesn't exist anymore. A new person has replaced him and it's a shame really, because I don't think I would like what you've become. So I guess, all in all it's a good thing that we have nothing to do with each other anymore.


I hope you are happy, though. I really do. I hope your life is everything you hoped for. I hope you get everything you ever wanted.


I...you probably don't care, but I'll be okay. I will be more than okay actually. I will find that person who loves me for me and would die if they lost me. I will find someone like the person you used to be.

Goodbye forever.

Always Never yours again,

Kipa

Should I give up or should I  just keep chasing pavements, even if it leads nowhere?

Just a little daydreaming

Randomly listening to: Orange Sky by Alexi Murdoch


Before you walk into my life...


You need to know something about me. You need to know that I'm a very insecure person, I have a very low self esteem, I'm not perfect, I'm everything but perfect. I find it hard to trust people now. I've made mistakes in the past, and I've learnt to live with them. I've learnt to accept people for who they really are, it's not hard. Sometimes, I can't be bothered anymore. Sometimes I don't even want to be alive, but, the thing is, I have a million reasons to be alive and I just haven't found them yet. I miss the people that I shouldn't even think about anymore. I've liked, I've loved, I've been hurt. I have hurt people. I'm not perfect. But hey, this is me. And before you walk into my life, you need to know these things. Because, if you walk into my life, you can't walk out of my life when things are getting hard. Just like all the other people did.

I want to know how many scars you have
and memorize the shape of your tongue.
I want to climb the curve of your lower back
and count your vertebrae
your ribs
your fingers
your goosebumps.
I want to chart the topography of your anatomy
and be fluent in your body language.
I want you, entire.

In your love, my salvation lies.

For the hopeless romantics

What light is light, if Silvia be not seen?
What joy is joy, if Silvia be not by?
Unless it be to think that she is by
And feed upon the shadow of perfection
Except I be by Silvia in the night,
There is no music in the nightingale;
Unless I look on Silvia in the day,
There is no day for me to look upon;
She is my essence, and I leave to be,
If I be not by her fair influence
Foster'd, illumined, cherish'd, kept alive.


Two Gentlemen in Verona
William Shakespeare

When she's gone

And when she's gone, remember you once loved her, you once needed her, you once cared about her more than anything in the world. You can't deny she was ever there, you can't deny what you had, you can't deny it ended over absolutely nothing. You can't deny that, regardless, you still think about it. No other girl could love you the way she did, she does. One day, you'll realize what you've done, you'll come back, and she'll be...gone.

I don't need anybody in my life who doesn't want to be there.

About fairytales

Randonly listening to: Marchin On by One Republic


There are some times when the world gets to me. It's hard to keep believing in fairytales in this chaotic world we live in.
But then, something unexpected happens, and I am reminded that fairytales do exist. That I have a shot at a happy ending. That we all do.
Like the other day at my dad's 50th birthday party.
My parents have been married for 25 years now, and have been together for around 30. Still, that didn't stop them from acting like teenagers. The love they share is still obvious in their faces.
They got it. In a world with more than 6 billion people, they managed to find each other. They are each other's half, as my mum told my dad in front of 80 people.
So I have hope.
And I guess that even if I don't actually get my fairytale, or my happy ever after, it will still make me happy to know that fairytales do exist.

For those days we felt like a mistake, those times when love's what you hate,  somehow we keep marching on.

Looking back with The Weepies

Listening to: World Spins Madly On by The Weepies


I'm spending my four last minutes of Spotify listening to this song, going back to a time, going back to a place, when things were different, they were better. 
I'm going home tomorrow for my dad's 50th birthday. I haven't been back yet since I repacked for my second year at university and God do I miss it. 
But going through this in my head got me thinking about everything that has changed since I moved here last year. So much has gone terribly wrong. I've lost people I thought I would always have by my side, and, even though I've fought with all my heart, I haven't been able to stop it happening.
Looking back at the person I was a year and a half ago, I wonder if I was just naive to think that I would manage to keep all my friendships through the distance. I knew how easy it is to drift apart from your old friendships when you start university, but I guess I never considered that that would be my case. I thought that my friendships were stronger, that they could handle anything and everything. I thought that my friends cared as much about me as I cared about them. I thought that they would fight just as hard.
It's hard when the people closest to you disappoint you. It's hard when you realize you don't have a place in their life anymore. It's hard, specially if you still love them with all your heart, to let them go.


I'm still trying.

The whole world is moving and I'm standing still.