What I would say to you if I could

It's 26th of January today. Does that day ring a bell? I hope it does, at least slightly, because I haven't stopped thinking today how it was four years ago that we started dating. I really do hope you've thought about it... I really do hope that, even if you are with her, you haven't forgotten what we had.

I miss you terribly. I guess you always miss your first love (specially if it's the only one you've ever had). Well...At least I always will. You probably will forget about me pretty soon. I know you already are in the process of doing exactly that. Good for you. I bet it's less painful that way.

I don't think I would like to forget about it myself though, but you know how nostalgic I am. I really hope that I'll remember what we had as something incredibly special for the rest of my life. Because we were pretty special.

At least together. I'm not much by myself...Oh well...

I guess today makes me sad, because of what I no longer have. It's more about the feelings than you though. I miss the butterflies I guess.

Why am I so impatient? I want to share my life with someone special again but I can't seem to find anyone to fill those shoes and I'm oh so tired of being alone.

And you have her, and I bet she makes you happy. And I bet you love her more than you loved me, because I bet she's actually special. And you know what sucks? Knowing that I couldn't even keep the only person who's ever truly loved me from leaving.

Oh well, it's nearly 27th now. Just a couple more hours left of this day that I'll always have bittersweet feelings about.

Because when I say always, I mean it.

Remember those fights of "I love you more"? Looks like I've won.

Kill hope

Randomly listening to: Happy Ending by Mika


Why do we do this to ourselves? Why do we make ourselves believe that if we're being left it's not because we are not loved but because of other inevitable reasons which have nothing to do with us? Why can't we just accept that things change, people grow apart, and love doesn't always last forever?

I keep finding people who think they've just been dumped because of too much distance, too much fighting, too many problems, when the truth is there was just too little love.

I guess it's just hard to accept that someone you still love with all your heart just doesn't feel that way about you anymore. How can you not feel awful about yourself when you realise you couldn't make someone love you?

And in a weird way the ones who tries to break your heart in a gentle way don't help. I mean, if you don't love someone anymore, if you don't see each other together ever again, just come right out and say it. Euphemisms don't help. Don't be afraid to hurt someone by saying what you really feel because, hello? You're already hurting them anyways, so you might as well do it right.

 It's too easy to hold on to things like "our timing is wrong" or "I just don't want this right now". Be fair and don't leave hope in people's hearts.

Because hope is deadly.

Hope destroys you slowly.

Hope doesn't let you move on.

If I pretend that nothing ever went wrong, I can get to my sleep , I can think that we just carried on.