lunes, 30 de mayo de 2011

I've Got a Crush on You

Randomly listening to: There Goes the Fear by Doves

Today is not about anger. 
     Today is not about pain. 
          Today is not about disappointment. 
               Today is not about loss.


Today is about crushes. 
     Today is about butterflies.
          Today is about happiness. 
               Today is about hope. 

I want to sleep with you.
I don't mean have sex.
I mean sleep. Together.
Under m blankets. In my bed.
With my hand on your chest.
And your arm around me.
With the window cracked.
So it's chilly and we have to cuddle closer.
No talking.
Just sleep, blissfully happy, silence.

Think of me when you close your eyes

domingo, 29 de mayo de 2011

Love Never Dies...HA!

Listening to: The BSO from Love Never Dies (Musical)

The thing is, we always knew that no one really understood our relationship, that what we had was something special that only us, being in the inside, could fully get. That it was you and me against the world.

And when in July you felt like I had treated you wrongly, you decided that it was the end of our special relationship. You were disappointed, hurt. You didn't, or couldn't, trust me anymore. You were done with me. But I wouldn't hear it, I wouldn't allow it. I talked, fought, cried, desperately for you to forgive me, for you to believe in me again. I could just not imagine losing you. The thought was too hard to bear.

And I managed to fix what had been broken, little by little.

Now it is me that has lost faith in you. Now it is me that needed for you to fight. Fight for me.

How naive of me to think you would.

Love is not always beautiful

viernes, 27 de mayo de 2011

Numbers & Dates

Randomly listening to: spanish radio

It's funny how we remember dates. A date you always remember is the day you started dating that special someone. Another day very typically remembered is the day you loose the big V. I don't know why we make a big deal out of it, but many times we do. And it sucks. It sucks that some numbers arranged in a certain way are suddenly so important, so dear to you.

For me, it was the number 26.

And now, thanks to you, for her too.

miércoles, 25 de mayo de 2011

Goodbye friend(ship)

 Randomly listening to: Head Rolls Off by Frightened Rabbit

I was ready to call a truce. I was ready to say I want to be your friend again, I want you in my life again. I was ready.

I thought you would be delighted. I thought that would be important for you. I thought you missed me.

But I've given you an opportunity, and the only thing you've showed to me is that you don't. fucking. care. You don't care that we haven't talked in more than a week. I mean really talk. Like we used to do every day. You don't care anymore.

Well, you know what? I don't want a friend who doesn't care.

So you can shove our friendship up your ass.

And if you ever wonder in the future what the hell happened to us, why I don't care anymore, remember that it was you who pushed me away. I didn't leave. I didn't want to leave. I was holding on for dear life. I wanted you in my life more than anything in this world. I believed it when I said it is you and me against the world. I meant it when I said you are my best friend. 


YouPushed. Me. Away.

So you can burn me cause we'll all be the same, the same way

viernes, 20 de mayo de 2011

Didn't kill me, so I guess that means I am stronger

Randomly listening to: Decode by Paramore

The end of the age of sadness is here. I am back to being me.  I'm brushing off the dust from my smile, reaching for my pride forgotten under my bed. Summer is almost here, and I am determined to be happy. I've been fighting, fighting hard, and I've won. 


You won't take away my pride. No, not this time. 

martes, 17 de mayo de 2011

Peyton about Lucas, me about you

Yeah, I didn't come here to rehash the past. I was reminded today in a roundabout way that the most perfect act of love is sacrificed. That's what Keith did for Karen, burying his feelings for her all those years so he could be a good friend. I love you Lucas. And I think I have since the first moment we locked eyes. And it's gonna suck, but if what you want is for me to let go, then I'm gonna do it. Be happy Luke. I want that with all my heart.

I want to believe in it all and art...fate and love, and I want to believe that I've made the right choices, and I'm still on the right path, and there's still time to fix some mistakes I've made....I guess I want hope.

I wish I could change some of the things about how I've acted in the last couple of months. I guess I'm just disappointed in myself. You know, i told Lucas that if he loved his fiance then i would learn to be okay with that, because i wanted him to be happy. But really i just wanted us to be happy, like me and him, oh and then when he didn't marry her, I felt terrible for her, and for him, you know, his heart is breaking right now. And i come in here, and i sit in silence and hear the echoes of who we used to be. And so I wish for patience and grace and strength to just let him be happy. And mostly I pray for the strength to not make his life worse because of what I want. Thats the toughest part, letting go, you know? That's the part of grace that really sucks.

domingo, 15 de mayo de 2011

Thoughts & Songs

Listening to: I'm Getting Over You by The Click 5

You said that you don't know what you feel for me, and that you don't want to know. You prefer not to think about it. And I just couldn't understand how one can control their feelings so well.

I guess that if your feelings are easy to control its because you don't have feelings for me at all.

I found your picture in my wallet
Still got your sweater in my closet
I'll bring 'em by
Maybe tonight

And people ask me how I'm doing?
But every question still has you in
I say I'm fine
And I never think about you
But you're always on my mind

I'm getting over you
I'm getting over you most of the time
If I say it like I mean it
Then maybe I'll believe it like it's true
I'm getting over you

I've been playing all the songs you hated
I called a girl I almost dated
She's not the one
But I'm having fun
And I'm better off without you
And I think it's what I want


Even if it takes forever
I'll get myself together
I've been doing be so much better

I'm getting over you
I'm getting over you

I'm getting over you, whoa
I'm getting over you most of the time
If I say it like I mean it
Then maybe I'll believe it like it's true


I'm getting over you 

Loving, needing, missing

Randomly listening to: I want the world to stop by Belle & Sebastian

Don't you think that I don't know that you love me, but you don't love me the way I want you to.

Don't you think that I don't know that you need me, but you don't need me half as much as I need you.

Don't you think that I don't know that I'm important to you, but I'm not the most important thing in your life.

So... Yes, I am pretty sure that you miss me.

But the way I miss you?


It is literally killing me inside.

So, why then?

Well, because I want, no, i need to love you, need you, miss you, as much as you love me, need me, miss me...

Which is so much less than what I love you, need you, miss you now.

I want to write a message to you everyday at 10 o clock in the evening

viernes, 13 de mayo de 2011

This is Letting Go

Randomly listening to: New York State of Mind by Billy Joel

that night, the night when i finally said 'enough is enough,' was biting cold as i slipped out of the party, struggling to hold back my tears & making it only as far as the car, where i spent what seemed like ages fumbling with my keys until i finally felt the lock give & rushed, shivering, into the driver's seat. it took a minute for me to move; i sat there instead with my hands on top of the wheel & my forehead pressed against it, taking in deep breaths of the cool air that was slowly becoming tolerable. sitting up, i wiped my eyes, though it was as useless as a shoveling snow while the blizzard is still happening, & began to drive. i had no where to go, but somehow it seemed like the only option. the lights of the city all blurred into one & i could barely make out the reds, greens, & yellows of the traffic signals as i drove along. my head was no longer doing the driving, though; instead, it was my heart, & i somehow found myself at the football field. you know the one. you remember the night. & as i sat there, i saw it all play out, & through my tears, i smiled. the next place i passed was the sidewalk in front of my grandma's apartment, the one where we stood kissing in the rain. i closed my eyes, & the wetness on my face was still there, almost as if it were happening again. next were the flower shop, the gas station, the car wash...i also passed the beauty salon, & saw the sign that read: mt. pleasant: 60 miles. i passed meyer's courtyard & i saw the very place we had parked that night. it couldn't possibly have been almost two years ago, could it? because i could still feel the way i had felt that night, the way my cheeks had ached from smiling so hard. the bowling alley, the y, the movie theater...every place has it's own story, it's own unforgettable memory of 'us.' remember when it was 'us,' not 'you' & 'me?' i kept driving, letting occasional sobs escape my mouth as the rain from my eyes steadily fell, & i went to the place i knew would hurt the most. i drove past 'your road,' past my old house where we drove through the fog & you gave me a kiss on the cheek while i drove because you 'couldn't help it,' & finally i saw it. the rest stop. our rest stop. two years it had been ours. i parked the car this time, walked out to the table where we had layed together, & laid down in the freezing cold, listening to the rush of the river. the cold wind burned my face, but when i closed my eyes, i could almost swear it was your warm breath brushing against my face again...i could almost feel your skin against mine, here you whisper those three little words. & i swear, at that moment, the tears were gone. i sat up & looked around. the grass, the grass we had made memories on, was no longer beautiful; it was ugly & brown & had lost the magic it once possessed. i almost laughed at the irony of it all. instead, i sighed, slowly got up & walked to the car. with one last look, i got inside, started the ignition & wiped my eyes completely dry. '& this,' i thought to myself, 'this is letting go.'
-erin ( eeareeyein )

It comes down to reality, and it's fine with me 'cause I've let it slide

jueves, 12 de mayo de 2011

Stay strong

Be soft. Do not let the world make you hard. Do not let the pain make you hate. Do not let the bitterness steal your sweetness. Take pride that even though the rest of the world may disagree, you still believe it to be a beautiful place.

martes, 10 de mayo de 2011


Listening to: Enchanted by Taylor Swift

You wouldn't be able to make me happy if you tried anymore. You are not the same, but I am. I want romance. I want to be swept off my feet more than ever.

But with you, I would only fall to the ground.

I can't trust you anymore.

But with him...Yes, it was unexpected, but that moment in the dark has given me something I hadn't felt in a long time: hope.

Hope that I can fall for someone who can treat me as I deserve.

Hope that I can be happy again.

Hope that I can fall in love again.

I'm wonder-struck, blushing all the way home.

miércoles, 4 de mayo de 2011

I am sorry, I love you

Listening to: When you're gone by Avril Lavigne

I know what I did was all levels of wrong. I know that it beats everything I've done before. I know I should have stopped, I should have let you be proud of yourself.

But something took over me and I just couldn't let you go. I can't bring myself to think that you don't love me anymore. I know in my mind that it is true, but my heart doesn't want to believe it.

God, I am such a mess.

I just want to be with you and you just want to be with anyone else but me.

And I had you, and I let you go and I am so. damn. stupid.

And tonight... Tonight I just needed to feel for a moment that there was something still left between us.

I am selfish and I hate myself for it.

But I love you so much. So much. 

That is my only excuse.

That is my only truth.

When you walk away I count the steps that you take. Do you see how much I need you right now?

domingo, 1 de mayo de 2011

That was sad, now I'm pissed

Just GO.
If you are counting the minutes you might as well just leave now.

If you are not willing to stay for as long as I need you what makes you think I want your
crappy fifteen minutes?

And I know this has been said already but I have to say it again

Listening to: the storm outside

I've watched too many movies. That has to be it. 

Because in a movie, when your best friend calls you sobbing at 1am because her grandma is dying, you stay on the phone for the whole night if necessary, even if you have to wake up early the next morning and go to class, even if it means not sleeping, right? You stay, for as long as she needs to. And even when she says it's okay, that  you can go, you stay because you know that it is definitely not okay. And you don't even consider leaving. It is just not an option. 

So I am guessing that I am just a drama queen.
That if it was you, me doing this would be way over the top.
That it is normal
and right
and everything
to hang up when I need you the most.