I am sorry, I love you

Listening to: When you're gone by Avril Lavigne


I know what I did was all levels of wrong. I know that it beats everything I've done before. I know I should have stopped, I should have let you be proud of yourself.


But something took over me and I just couldn't let you go. I can't bring myself to think that you don't love me anymore. I know in my mind that it is true, but my heart doesn't want to believe it.


God, I am such a mess.


I just want to be with you and you just want to be with anyone else but me.


And I had you, and I let you go and I am so. damn. stupid.


And tonight... Tonight I just needed to feel for a moment that there was something still left between us.


I am selfish and I hate myself for it.


But I love you so much. So much. 


That is my only excuse.

That is my only truth.

When you walk away I count the steps that you take. Do you see how much I need you right now?

That was sad, now I'm pissed

Just GO.
If you are counting the minutes you might as well just leave now.

If you are not willing to stay for as long as I need you what makes you think I want your
crappy fifteen minutes?

And I know this has been said already but I have to say it again

Listening to: the storm outside


I've watched too many movies. That has to be it. 


Because in a movie, when your best friend calls you sobbing at 1am because her grandma is dying, you stay on the phone for the whole night if necessary, even if you have to wake up early the next morning and go to class, even if it means not sleeping, right? You stay, for as long as she needs to. And even when she says it's okay, that  you can go, you stay because you know that it is definitely not okay. And you don't even consider leaving. It is just not an option. 


So I am guessing that I am just a drama queen.
That if it was you, me doing this would be way over the top.
That it is normal
and right
and everything
to hang up when I need you the most.

Tic. Toc. That is all it takes

Randomly listening to: The Ice is Getting Thinner by Death Cab For Cutie


Tic.
I am done.
Toc.
This will never end.
Tic.
I deserve better.
Toc.
You are the only one I want.
Tic.
I am going to be strong and move on.
Toc.
I will never stop loving you.
Tic.
You are not as perfect as I thought.
Toc.
But I just can't seem to care.
Tic.
No more tears for you.
Toc.
I say while crying.

We're not the same, dear, as we used to be.

Nostalgia

(I remember loving this poem when I did it four years ago in school. It's great to be able to read it again)


Caged Bird by Maya Angelou


A free bird leaps
on the back of the wind
and floats downstream
till the current ends
and dips his wing
in the orange sun rays
and dares to claim the sky.

But a bird that stalks
down his narrow cage
can seldom see through
his bars of rage
his wings are clipped and
his feet are tied
so he opens his throat to sing.

The caged bird sings
with a fearful trill
of things unknown
but longed for still
and his tune is heard
on the distant hill
for the caged bird
sings of freedom.

The free bird thinks of another breeze
and the trade winds soft through the sighing trees
and the fat worms waiting on a dawn-bright lawn
and he names the sky his own.

But a caged bird stands on the grave of dreams
his shadow shouts on a nightmare scream
his wings are clipped and his feet are tied
so he opens his throat to sing.

The caged bird sings
with a fearful trill
of things unknown
but longed for still
and his tune is heard
on the distant hill
for the caged bird
sings of freedom. 

Love Letters

Randomly listening to: I didn't see it coming by Belle & Sebastian

And I want to believe that I will get over this. Over you. Soon.

But at the same time I want to believe even more that you still love me, that I just have to wait a little longer, that this is just a phase as you say.

The problem is that, right now, it's hard to believe that you loved me as much as you did.

And I can't find your letters to remind me.

Every word's a whisper without you

Randomly listening to: Rose's turn (Glee version)


I hate being an idealist. You just get disappointed over and over again. Maybe I should start expecting the worst of people, but I just can't seem to be able to. I expect the best of them, I keep waiting...But it never comes. Its sad, but normally, people don't surprise me for good.

I mean, I try to make the people around me happy. I try to be as kind as I can and I know I would do nearly anything that they would ask me for, because I love them. Maybe I don't always know how to do this, but I do try.

So it's hard when you realize that it doesn't go both ways.

When you ask for the smallest thing, and still that person is not bothered to do it.

Well, I hope you are reading this closely:  you'll be sorry one day, because, even though now I'm not strong enough, one day I won't be bothered with you anymore.

And then you'll remember this.

Give 'em love and what does it get ya?