Romance

Randomly listening to: Rise & Fall by The Cinematics.

We mistake sex for romance. Guys are taught that pushing a girl against a wall is romance. Sex is easy, you can do it with anyone, yourself, with batteries. Romance is when someone you like walks into a room and they take your breath away. Romance is when two people are dancing and they fit together perfectly. Romance is when two people are walking next to each other and all of a sudden they find themselves holding hands, and they don't know how that happened.

John C. Moffi

And your body's warmth will only leave me colder in my world.

I saw him again.

I saw him again. I saw him again and I wasn't prepared, you see, because I had spent the whole month trying to accept that he didn't want to see me. But he did. He did want to see me. Probably not as much as I wanted to see him, but just enough for me to hold on to it.

And I couldn't sleep that night, I was so nervous. 

When I saw him I didn't know what to do. It took a moment for me to realize I needed to hug him. That hug was not long enough. I wanted to hold on to him longer, I wanted to hold on forever, but I didn't want to scare him off. So I played it cool.

Playing it cool has never been my thing you see? Did I talk too much? Was I funny enough? Did I act the way I was supposed to? Was I good enough for him to not regret seeing me?

I hope so, and I hate not being able to ask, I hate not knowing what he thinks, and I hate feeling so pathetic because I care so much.

I thought it went well. I thought it was a step forward to regain our weird friendship.

Later, my friend asked me if there had been any sexual tension and I'm scared that the answer might have been yes.

And I'm scared that the answer might have been no.

Things I wish we had done.

 I wish we had rented a hotel room for one night and slept in each others' arms. I wish we had travelled and discovered the world together. I wish we had had a time when we saw each other every day. I wish we had gone to the beach and played in the water for hours. I wish we had done everything we always said we wanted to do. I wish we had had the time.

Maybe there was a time when I thought that we could get it back, just because I thought you wanted it too. Maybe I still wish that you still thought of us as a possibility, even if it is far away in the future.

But it's clear by the way you act, it's clear by the way you talk, that I am no longer that possibility for you.

I was hoping you and I might end up together.

A little bit of poetry.

When you find a man
Who transforms
Every part of you
Into poetry,
Who makes each one of your hairs
Into a poem,
When you find a man,
Capable,
As I am
Of bathing and adorning you
With poetry,
I will beg you
To follow him without hesitation,
It is not important
That you belong to me or him
But that you belong to poetry.

 by Nizar Qabbani 

About living life to its full potential

Randomly listening to: London Skies by Jamie Cullum


Take a step back. Fucking look at yourself. You are human. You are beautiful. You are so beautiful. And you can be anything. You can be everything. Do not hate because someone broke your heart, or because your parents split up, your best friend betrayed you, your father hit you, the kid down the street called you fat, ugly, stupid, worthless. Do not concern yourself with things you cannot control. Cry when you need to, then let go when it's time. Don't hang onto painful memories just because you're afraid to forget. Let go of things that are in the past. Forget things that aren't worth remembering. Stop taking things for granted. Stop taking life for granted. Live for something. Live for yourself. Fall in love. Fall out of love. Fall in love. Fall out of love. Do this over and over until you know what it really is to love someone. Question things. Tell people how you really feel. Sleep under the stars. Create. Imagine. Inspire. Share something wonderful. Make something beautiful and then destroy it. Meet new people. Make someone's day. Follow your dreams. Live your life to its full potential. Just live, dammit. Let go of all the horrible things in your life and just fucking live. And one day, when you're old, look back with no regrets.

You know the sunlight always shines behind the  clouds of London skies.

What I would say to you if I could

It's 26th of January today. Does that day ring a bell? I hope it does, at least slightly, because I haven't stopped thinking today how it was four years ago that we started dating. I really do hope you've thought about it... I really do hope that, even if you are with her, you haven't forgotten what we had.

I miss you terribly. I guess you always miss your first love (specially if it's the only one you've ever had). Well...At least I always will. You probably will forget about me pretty soon. I know you already are in the process of doing exactly that. Good for you. I bet it's less painful that way.

I don't think I would like to forget about it myself though, but you know how nostalgic I am. I really hope that I'll remember what we had as something incredibly special for the rest of my life. Because we were pretty special.

At least together. I'm not much by myself...Oh well...

I guess today makes me sad, because of what I no longer have. It's more about the feelings than you though. I miss the butterflies I guess.

Why am I so impatient? I want to share my life with someone special again but I can't seem to find anyone to fill those shoes and I'm oh so tired of being alone.

And you have her, and I bet she makes you happy. And I bet you love her more than you loved me, because I bet she's actually special. And you know what sucks? Knowing that I couldn't even keep the only person who's ever truly loved me from leaving.

Oh well, it's nearly 27th now. Just a couple more hours left of this day that I'll always have bittersweet feelings about.

Because when I say always, I mean it.

Remember those fights of "I love you more"? Looks like I've won.

Kill hope

Randomly listening to: Happy Ending by Mika


Why do we do this to ourselves? Why do we make ourselves believe that if we're being left it's not because we are not loved but because of other inevitable reasons which have nothing to do with us? Why can't we just accept that things change, people grow apart, and love doesn't always last forever?

I keep finding people who think they've just been dumped because of too much distance, too much fighting, too many problems, when the truth is there was just too little love.

I guess it's just hard to accept that someone you still love with all your heart just doesn't feel that way about you anymore. How can you not feel awful about yourself when you realise you couldn't make someone love you?

And in a weird way the ones who tries to break your heart in a gentle way don't help. I mean, if you don't love someone anymore, if you don't see each other together ever again, just come right out and say it. Euphemisms don't help. Don't be afraid to hurt someone by saying what you really feel because, hello? You're already hurting them anyways, so you might as well do it right.

 It's too easy to hold on to things like "our timing is wrong" or "I just don't want this right now". Be fair and don't leave hope in people's hearts.

Because hope is deadly.

Hope destroys you slowly.

Hope doesn't let you move on.

If I pretend that nothing ever went wrong, I can get to my sleep , I can think that we just carried on.